Resolving Anxiety: The Benefits of Challenging, not Accommodating

One of the most surprising things I learned in my professional training was that anxious kids who receive an overly comforting or accommodating response from adults actually tend to do worse and end up with higher levels of anxiety in the long run. How on earth could this be the case?

Children often report anxiety in the context of friendships, family, phobias (fears) or sleep disturbances due to anxious thought patterns. I think the natural and understandable response of many parents is to provide some reassurance. For example, if a child is preoccupied with worries about loved ones dying, they might remind them about statistics about death or remind them that their home is safe, or that their parents are strong and healthy. It may seem counterintuitive, but the strongest evidence for anxiety interventions suggests that such approaches don’t really resolve the underlying issue, and may even make it worse. The underlying problem with anxiety is not anxious thoughts themselves – they’re just thoughts after all – but rather the way anxiety hijacks the mind.

What major research has found to be the “gold standard” treatment for anxiety in therapeutic settings, is an approach known as exposure therapy (https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/exposure-therapy-anxiety-disorders). The gist of exposure therapy is: an approach that encourages kids to confront their worries head-on, rather than feeling limited by them. In other words, it focuses on increasing a child’s ability to tolerate discomfort (within reason) rather than increasing patterns of avoidance.

There’s only one problem with exposure therapy: very few child therapists/counsellors actually teach it. I think this is a great shame, because if I’ve learned anything from working with kids, it’s that kids can be incredibly resilient, often more so than anyone gives them credit for.

If your child suffers from anxiety and you’re interested in giving this a try, here are some simple suggestions for how you could implement exposure therapy techniques at home:

· Encourage kids to explore the nature of life and death and don’t try to protect them from the harsh realities of life too much. We can assist kids to understand that life is sometimes unfair and the world can sometimes be a cruel place, but that we can look upon any challenging situation as an opportunity for personal growth.

· We can support kids that have death phobias to explore spiritual/religious teachings about death, if appropriate.

· Encourage kids to face situations that are causing them to worry. For example, if your child is socially anxious, find social events that align with the child’s interests/hobbies and give them a few little pushes outside their comfort zone. They may surprise themselves – and you.

· Start out with mild/easy challenges and work your way up to bigger/scarier ones. Create a challenge ladder to track and celebrate your child’s progress on facing their anxiety triggers.

Warm regards,

Damian Gerber
Student and Family Counsellor