Supportive Question Prompts for Bullying

“I am being bullied” is very general and sometimes vague complaint that kids come to parents, teachers and/or counsellors with. In my experience, what is described by children as “bullying” can vary as wildly as (1) an unkind comment on the playground taken out of context (on the mild end), to (2) incidents involving serious intimidation, coercion, relational aggression or physical harm (on the severe end). It can sometimes feel difficult to unravel what is really going on. I find the primary concern of many kids, when truthfully telling adults that they are being bullied, is that no one will believe them.

When a child tells me they are being bullied, I have six simple, supportive question prompts I typically take them through (based on a Kids Helpline resource). These questions can be helpful for parents too. Here is a summary, with some brief explanation:

Question 1: Was it deliberate or on purpose?

Kids will sometimes have a perception that being pushed during soccer or being called a mean name was deliberate. It is worth taking some time to unpack the social dynamics, to see if their perception is really accurate. Sometimes it turns out they were caught in a wrong perception. Was the other child dysregulated and yelling at a number of children in a group? Or rather, did it happen during a one-on-one conversation, or in a situation involving premeditated peer pressure?

Question 2: Was it personal or targeted?

This is a logical flow-on from question 1. Is the behaviour that the child received a result of targeting? Was there some forethought or opportunism in what happened, or does it appear to be something spontaneous, such as another child becoming dysregulated and taking it out on whoever was around them?

Question 3: Was it said in anger?

We’ve all said things in anger that we really regret and had to apologise for it afterwards. A helpful way of asking this question for younger children is to ask if the other child felt bad about what happened and said sorry afterward.

Question 4: Was it part of a fight with a friend?

Conflict is a normal and healthy part of all relationships, whether with adults or children. The key question here is whether the conflict was a healthy airing of differences (without aggression or intimidation) or rather more likely about one person needing to dominate or have power over the other person.

Question 5: Has it only happened once or twice?

Children don’t always understand that by bullying, we mean a persistent pattern of behavioural targeting. A once-off event that is not repeated over a longer period of social exposure is unlikely to be bullying.

Question 6: Does the person doing it have more power than you? (Are they older, stronger, more popular, etc.)

In most cases, bullies only pick on other kids they perceive as “weak” or having lower social status.

If the answer to all six of these questions is “yes,” then it is most likely to be a genuine bullying concern that may be worth raising with relevant supportive adults in your child’s life, such as their teacher or coach.

Warmly, 

Damian Gerber
Student and Family Counsellor